Monday, May 18, 2015

Crossfit My Balls

"How'd that WOD feel, Bronson?"

"I felt it in my balls."

WOD means Workout Of the Day.

My third time at Kahala Cross fit, and also third time ever doing Crossfit, I learned that humility is the best workout preparation for:

20 wall balls (there's those balls again). I squat with a ball marked with the number 20. Wasn't sure if it meant 20Kg or 20lbs. Either way, it felt like a ton after trying to toss it 10 feet up in the air against the wall from a squat.

Run 200m. Did OK there.

15 barbell cleans from the ground. It feels like pulling a deadlift into your throat. Looks like it, too. Men's standard is 135lbs. Women is 95lbs. I did 75lbs. The woman behind me ripped 155lbs. off the floor. 15 times.

Row 500m. Felt that one in my balls.

15 barbell cleans. Again.

Run 200m. Again.

20 wall balls. Again.

The goal is to do it all as fast as possible with respect to form.

I emphasize form and control over everything else so I tend be really slow but I'm OK with it. Rushing becomes less of a factor that could compromise form anyway since we've descended into being retarded from exhaustion.

But I definitely felt my balls tingle during that WOD (lol). Was nuts. No pun intended.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Outside Insurgent Walls

Insurgent is a movie that's a sequel to Divergent.

They live in a city.

The city.

Surrounded by walls.

Tris asked Four what exists beyond the walls.

So what's beyond the walls?

The guy on the far right knows. Titans.

Many Titans.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Satan Loves Cauliflower

I cooked some curry vegetables the other day and noticed a disproportionate amount of cauliflower in the veggie mix.

"Damn. Why?! Why does God punish us with cauliflower filler?! Why???!!!"

Then in a flash of fire, Satan appeared!

Satan: "Technically, God loves you. But I hate you. Give credit where credit is due. I created cauliflower. Not Him!"

Bronson: "Oh. That makes sense. If you had a restaurant, would you overpopulate the seasonal vegetable mixes with it then only add 1 or 2 actual seasonal vegetables to the plate?"

Satan: "I absolutely would."

Bronson: "Why did you go with cauliflower though?"

Satan: "Well, we tested rice cakes during the pre-marketing phase but it didn't pan out as we hoped. So we went more organic and less processed.

You also know how I love to attack with subtlety. Rice cake assaults, in retrospect, seemed a bit amateurish. It's a tough sell to convince humans that food looking like styrofoam was not only food, but healthier food, too."

Bronson: "Humans believe you're real, and that seems like more of a stretch."

Satan: "I know, right?"

Anyway, the jig was up before I could sew my dietary seed of evil using rice cakes."

Bronson: "How does rice cake consumption qualify as a sin?"

Satan: "It all boils down to gluttony and my personal favorite, pride. You see, people who ate rice cakes loaded them with sugary jelly and peanut butter, usually in that order.

Haha that reminds me of the genesis of rice cakes when people would attempt to put the peanut butter on first, then the jelly, then squish it together. Haha I ruined so many white clothes... Ah... Those were the days. Red jelly everywhere. I love that color, you know.

But the point I am making is that the intentions to indulge in gluttony existed within rice cake aficionados. They wanted the satisfaction of decadent indulgence and saw themselves above any consequences despite their intentions born deep from sin.

Some would wear the crumbs pridefully, as if to say their sacrifice to eat styrofoam exalted in them greater spiritual purity over others. They might say,

'Oh that? That's just rice cake crumbs. Yea I'm hardcore. Taking the nutritional high road definitely challenges me, but greater is He that's in me...'

Humans amuse me. But I hate them at the same time. I GET SO ANGRY SOMETIMES!

Bronson: "I understand now.

Why did you switch to cauliflower?"

Satan: "I thought, oh hey, I tricked pot-heads to logically formulate that because marijuana comes from a plant in the ground that it must be good. So why not make a vegetable, a thing that grows in the earth, be just as heinous as rice cakes and apply the same logic?

Bam. Cauliflower."

Bronson: "It's like a rice cake in the shape of broccoli. It's awful."

Satan: "It really is, terrible, isn't it?

I need just a minute to dump some frustration on you that's unrelated to this that the pot-head logic reminded me of.

As an aside I just want to point out that teaching logic to pot-heads caused me great agony because I had to abandon subtlety and reveal myself to them in order to embark on that painfully difficult teaching task.

Then they were like, 'Oh wow, Satan! What's up evil red dude! Haha right on, I'm tripping balls, haha!'

They're a full time job, though. I still have to zip on over through spiritual nether before they open their mouths in an argument justifying their sticky gooey. It's because they forget any new information 2 minutes later and end up going in circles.

Plus you know their logic, and how they justify slothful sin and greed in a stealthy, herbal way.

But they're all deaf to anything contrary and get all dreadlocky rasta rasta blah blah. Why am I complaining? Either way I win!"

Bronson: "I never thought of pot-heads as Satanic."

Satan: "I'm amazing at subtlety.

Since I'm feeling generous, do you have any more questions? I might answer them honestly. I might not."

Bronson: "Is it true you can be in only one place at a time?"

Satan: "Yes. Which reminds me, I need to go influence someone to write a blog about 7 awesome things you can do with cauliflower.

That's one thing I am so proud of.

Well I'm proud of many things.

But I am especially proud of implanting the idea in humans of making the internet.

And of course its subsidiary distractions: porn, blogging, Facebook, emails, etc.

You know when you write a scathing email to someone like your boss? Those are my demons influencing you to think it is a good idea to click 'send'.

AOL used to allow an unsend feature. But I nipped that in the bud. Gmail appears to give you an option in the lab settings to enable an un-send feature.

I digress. Gotta go, she's considering broccoli, and how it heals the liver. Can't have that happening! Toodles!"

Bronson: "Nice chatting with you, Satan."

Today I learned...
Satan loves cauliflower.
But not as much as he loves the internet.