Saturday, April 18, 2015

Satan Loves Cauliflower

I cooked some curry vegetables the other day and noticed a disproportionate amount of cauliflower in the veggie mix.

"Damn. Why?! Why does God punish us with cauliflower filler?! Why???!!!"

Then in a flash of fire, Satan appeared!

Satan: "Technically, God loves you. But I hate you. Give credit where credit is due. I created cauliflower. Not Him!"

Bronson: "Oh. That makes sense. If you had a restaurant, would you overpopulate the seasonal vegetable mixes with it then only add 1 or 2 actual seasonal vegetables to the plate?"

Satan: "I absolutely would."

Bronson: "Why did you go with cauliflower though? Aren't there more awful edibles you could ruin all foods that come in contact with them?"

Satan: "Well, we tested rice cakes during the pre marketing phase but it didn't pan out as we hoped. So we went more organic and less processed.

You also know how I love to attack with subtlety. Rice cake assaults, in retrospect, seemed a bit amateurish. I really wanted to surprise humans when they crossed over and reveal to them only after the fact that they sinned without repentance each time they ate a rice cake.

Rice cakes went over the top when marketed as healthier food. It's a tough sell to convince humans that food looking like styrofoam was not only food, but healthier food, too.

Bronson: "Humans believe you're real, and that seems like more of a stretch."

Satan: "I know, right?"

Anyway, the jig was up before I could sew my dietary seed of evil using rice cakes."

Bronson: "How does rice cake consumption qualify as a sin?"

Satan: "It all boils down to gluttony and my personal favorite, pride. You see, people who ate rice cakes loaded them with sugary jelly and peanut butter, usually in that order.

Haha that reminds me of the genesis of rice cakes when people would attempt to put the peanut butter on first, then the jelly, then squish it together. Haha I ruined so many white clothes... Ah... Those were the days. Red jelly everywhere. I love that color, you know.

But the point I am making is that the intentions to indulge in gluttony existed within rice cake aficionados. They wanted the satisfaction of decadent indulgence without the consequences.

Pride in themselves for mistakenly believing they outsmarted the universe blocked their ability to recognize the havoc rice cakes caused their pancreas and digestive tracks. Not to mention the jelly. Did I say red jelly?

After that they sometimes wear the crumbs as if to say their sacrifice to eat styrofoam exalted in them greater spiritual purity over others. They might say,

'Oh that? That's just rice cake crumbs. Yea I'm hardcore. Taking the nutritional high road definitely challenges me, but greater is He that's in me...'

Humans amuse me so much!

Bronson: "I understand now.

Why did you switch to cauliflower?"

Satan: "Stupid humans saw through my rice cake scheme. It ended when they used rice cakes for coasters, Frisbees, and air hockey pucks.

So I thought, oh hey, I tricked pot-heads to logically formulate that because marijuana comes from a plant in the ground that it must be good.

So why not make a vegetable, a thing that grows in the earth, be just as heinous as rice cakes?

Bam. Cauliflower."

Bronson: "It's like a rice cake in the shape of broccoli. It's awful."

Satan: "It really is, terrible, isn't it?

I need just a minute to dump some frustration on you that's unrelated to this that the pot-head logic reminded me of.

As an aside I just want to point out that teaching logic to pot-heads caused me great agony because I had to abandon subtlety and reveal myself to them in order to embark on that painfully difficult teaching task.

Then they were like, 'Oh wow, Satan! What's up evil red dude! Haha right on, I'm tripping balls, haha!'

Even to this day though I have to speak for them because they forget anything you tell them 5 minutes later. You know their logic, and how they justify slothful sin on things coming from the earth being inherently good.

I mean, if I had to suffer through the various afflictions I created that pain humans, I would choose morphine for my drug.

But they're all deaf to anything contrary and get all dreadlocky rasta rasta blah blah. Why am I complaining? Either way I win!"

Bronson: "This makes complete sense."

Satan: "Yes. I'm amazing. Since I'm feeling generous, do you have any more questions? I might answer them honestly. I might not."

Bronson: "Is it true you can be in only one place at a time?"

Satan: "Yes. Which reminds me, I need to go influence someone to write a blog about 7 awesome things you can do with cauliflower.

That's one thing I am so proud of.

Well I'm proud of many things.

But I am especially proud of implanting the idea in humans of making the internet.

And of course its subsidiary distractions: porn, blogging, Facebook, emails, etc.

You know when you write a scathing email to someone like your boss? Those are my demons influencing you to think it is a good idea to click 'send'.

AOL used to allow an unsend feature. But I nipped that in the bud. Gmail appears to give you an option in the lab settings to enable an un-send feature.

I digress. Gotta go, she's considering broccoli, and how it heals the liver. Can't have that happening! Toodles!"

Bronson: "Nice chatting with you, Satan. Don't go dying in a fire."

Today I learned...

Satan loves cauliflower.

But not as much as he loves the internet.